EPISODE FORTY
Donald picked the clipboard up off
the floor, whipped a pen out of his pocket and asked Ted how many times a month
he purchased savoury snacks such as crisps or peanuts.
Donald repeated the question as Marjorie
entered.
‘What’s
going on?’ she demanded.
Ted
was seized with panic, although his face registered nothing.
‘It’s...er...’
Donald
came to the rescue. ‘Consumer research.
Your husband kindly agreed to do a short interview about savoury
snacks. It’s a random survey.
Door-to-door.’
Marjorie
rifled through an untidy bundle of free newspapers, unpaid bills and junk mail
on the dresser, turning to glower at Donald.
‘Waste
of time, if you ask me.’
Donald
smiled innocently. ‘I know it seems like
an intrusion but – who knows – you might win our star prize.’
‘Prize?’
‘Yes!
Prize!’ Donald said with exaggerated enthusiasm. ‘We’re giving every
participant the chance to enter our grand draw.
First prize a holiday for two in Florida.’
Marjorie
looked astounded. Donald didn’t dare
look at Ted, in case he laughed.
‘That’s
bloody typical, that is,’ said Marjorie, and found what she was searching
for. ‘I go and book us a holiday in
Florida,
now you come and tell us we could win one.’
She
waved a glossy travel brochure in the air like an exhibit in a murder
trial. Donald suddenly seemed less sure
of himself.
‘You
and your husband are going to Florida?’
Marjorie
almost hugged the brochure. ‘Week after
next. I’ve always wanted to go.’
Donald
looked at Ted, as if to say “you never told me”.
As usual, Ted’s face was blank.
‘Still,
I don’t s’pose we’d have won,’ continued Marjorie. ‘So it’s just as well we
booked. And we got a very good deal.’
As
Marjorie went towards the door, Donald looked pointedly at Ted.
‘I’m sure you’ll both have a wonderful time.’
Marjorie
stopped in the doorway. ‘I nearly forgot
the brochure to show Freda. ’She stared
at Donald. ‘How long’s this going to
take?’
Donald
shrugged. ‘Oh, not long.’
‘Only
you said you’d pop down to the Halifax, Ted.
Recovering
his poise, Donald said brightly, ‘It shouldn’t take more than ten minutes.
And I’ll still enter you in the free prize
draw. If you win, you can return to the
land of milk and honey next year and relive some of those precious moments.’
Marjorie
was studying him closely and he thought he might have gone too far.
Perhaps she could see through his subterfuge.
‘Would
you mind if I asked you a few questions about savoury snacks?’ he added
hurriedly. ‘It’s always useful to have a
partner’s opinion.’
‘Sorry,
I’m in a rush.’
She
turned and exited. Donald congratulated
himself on that last little touch. It
had done the trick. Got rid of the old
cow.
‘Now,
I’d like you to tell me which brand of cheese and onion crisps you might have
purchased in the last month?’ he said loudly.
Then the front door slammed and he burst into laughter.
Ted
looked far from happy.
‘I
think I handled that brilliantly,’ boasted Donald.
‘Did
you just happen to have the clipboard?’ Ted asked.
‘Bit
of forward planning.’
‘It
was taking a bit of a risk.’
Donald
smiled. ‘But that’s good in a relationship.
An element of risk. Forbidden
fruits have been denied me for so long.’
‘You
talk as if...’
‘As
if we’re a couple?’
‘What
about Bamber?’
Donald
pursed his lips, gave a fleeting guilty look, then shrugged it off. ‘Life must
go on, dear boy.’
‘But
he’s not...’
‘Not
dead yet? No.
That’s why I had to see you.
When the inevitable happens, I’m going to
need a close friend I can turn to. But
now you’re swanning off to Disneyworld with she of the
sharp tongue.’
‘It
was Marjorie’s idea.’
‘So
you’re going off and leaving me just when I need you most.’
Ted
looked down miserably. ‘I like you,
Donald. I enjoy going to the theatre
with you, but...’
‘But
that’s as far as you want it to go. Why
do I always have to finish your sentences for you? You always leave them half
finished.’
Ted
looked up and grinned. ‘I half start
them, you mean.’
‘I
do believe that was a joke. You really
are most attractive when you smile, Ted.
Why don’t you pop upstairs and put your uniform on for me?
I like a man in uniform.’
Ted
blushed. Donald laughed.
‘The
day you put your uniform on for me, I’ll know it’s the day our relationship has
arrived.’
*
Savita stood in front of Malcolm’s
desk. He was clearly annoyed about
something but was doing his utmost to restrain himself.
‘Since
when have you taken it upon yourself to alter my letters?’ he said, patting the
A4 sheet in front of him.
‘I’m
not with you,’ Savita replied.
‘You
changed “at this moment in time” to “at present”.
Why?’
Savita
shrugged. ‘I thought it was less...well,
better to use plain English and all that.’
Malcolm
stared at her for a long time. She could
tell he was thinking: What gives this
little Asian girl a right to correct the big white chief’s letters? But he
didn’t dare say it. Eventually he moved
the letter to one side and spoke in a more reasonable tone.
‘You
and Nicky. I’ve seen you together.
You seem to be very close.
You were holding hands at the water cooler
this morning.’
‘Nicky
was showing me a new ring she’s just bought.’
‘Pull
the other one. You’re both dykes, aren’t
you?’
Savita
hesitated. This was going to be a test
of her acting skills. ‘Well, as a matter
of fact...’ she began.
Malcolm
pounced. ‘I thought as much.’
‘No
you’re wrong,’ Savita said, shaking her head.
‘Nicky and I like the best of both worlds, if you know what I mean.’
She
could see by the licentious glint that came into Malcolm’s eye that his
fantasies had gone into overdrive.
He
gave a nervous, testing-the-water chuckle.
‘You’re not up for a threesome, are you?’
She
tilted her head to one side, as if giving it serious consideration.
‘We might be.
But there’s a huge “but” attached to it.’
Malcolm’s
eyes widened, like a child feasting them on mountains of ice-cream.
‘Go on,’ he urged.
‘Nicky
and I’ll think about it. But only if you
stop bullying us.’
Another
nervous chuckle. ‘I don’t bully
you. Just having a laugh, that’s
all. But I promise, if the three of us
do have a scene together, things will be very different round here.’
Savita
smiled and nodded. ‘Okay.
I’ll go and have a word with Nicky, then I’ll
let you know when’s a good time to come round to my flat.’
Leaving
Malcolm palpitating and day dreaming, Savita returned to the main office.
She went over to Nicky’s desk and told her:
‘Hook,
line and sinker.’
IN EPISODE FORTY-ONE
Nigel and Jackie settle their
differences then Mike arrives on the scene.