EPISODE EIGHTY-NINE
Betty hurriedly crunched and swallowed a thirty per cent less fat crisp and
managed to answer the telephone by the third ring. ‘Good morning,’ she sang in a ridiculously
exaggerated rising inflection. ‘Total
Voice and Data. How may I help you?’
Nigel, who was on tenterhooks, waiting for the outcome of a recent tender, came
tearing into the office. ‘Who is it?’ he
whispered.
Betty covered the mouthpiece. ‘It’s your
other half.’
‘Oh!’ Nigel found it difficult to
disguise his disappointment. Besides,
Jackie was the last person he wanted to speak to this morning. ‘All right!
I’ll speak to her. Transfer it to
my extension.’
Betty struggled with the buttons on her telephone as Nigel sat at his
desk. The extension in the upstairs bedroom
rang.
‘Blast! Press and hold twenty-one.’
Betty tried to suppress her irritation.
‘The last time I did that, I lost the call.’
Nigel tutted loudly. ‘Oh here! I’ll take it on your phone. The kettle’s just boiled. I wouldn’t mind an Earl Grey with two
sugars.’
He leaned across Betty’s desk and picked up the phone, furiously punching
buttons to retrieve the call. Betty got
up, throwing her boss a contemptuous look.
For someone who sold telephone systems, how come he could never get to
grips with his own four extensions? No
wonder, she decided, his business was in decline.
As soon as she was out of earshot, Nigel
dropped his voice to speak to his fiancée.
‘Jackie, I have to be brief, I’m afraid.
Got a busy day ahead of me.’
He heard Jackie snuffling. Was she
getting a cold, or had she been crying?
‘I hate you,’ she said.
‘Sorry?’
‘It meant so much to me.’
‘What did? What are you talking about?’
‘You know very well. Last night you told
the cast what you thought of them.’
‘Oh – I see. That’s what you’re upset
about. Well, I’m sorry – I only gave
them my honest opinion. It’s not my
fault. That director chap asked me what
I thought and I told him.
‘You could have been nice instead of horrid.’
Nigel glanced at his watch and gritted his teeth. ‘Lie, you mean.’
Jackie raised her voice. ‘You have to
make allowances, Nigel. They’re not on
the stage in the West End. They’re doing it for a bit of fun.’
‘They take themselves blooming seriously then.’
‘Well of course they do. Otherwise there
wouldn’t be much point in...’
Nigel interrupted, speaking hurriedly.
‘Look, Jackie, I haven’t got time to discuss this now. We’ll talk about it later.’
‘There won’t be a later.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘I mean the wedding’s off.’
‘But it’s less than two weeks away.’
‘I don’t care,’ Jackie blubbered. ‘I
never want to see you again.’
The line went dead. Stunned, Nigel
replaced the receiver. Betty came into
the room, carrying two mugs of tea.
‘Problem?’ she said.
Nigel nodded slowly, a dazed, faraway look in his eyes. ‘I’ve just had an argument with Jackie. The wedding’s off.’
Betty sat down and switched on the computer.
‘What again!’ she said.
*
‘I called at the shop and you weren’t there,’ said Bamber, lighting another
cigarette from the end of the one he’d almost finished.
‘When was this?’ asked Donald, deliberately busying himself plumping up the
cushions on the sofa, and avoiding Bamber’s probing eyes. Bamber could always tell when he was lying.
‘Don’t try to tell me you were out buying, because the Volvo’s been parked
outside all morning. So where did you
go?’
Donald waved his arms about wildly and coughed dramatically. ‘It’s a disgusting habit. I don’t care if you damage your own health,
but why should I have to suffer?’
Watching his performance, Bamber smirked.
‘Don’t change the subject.’
‘I’ll answer you,’ yelled Donald, ‘when you put out that disgusting...thing.’
‘And I’ll put it out when you tell me where you’ve been all day.’
‘This could go round in circles, you know.’
‘I know. So you first. Tell me where you’ve been and I’ll put it
out.’
‘No, you put it out first, then I’ll tell you.
See! I told you it would go round in circles.’
Bamber stuck the cigarette in his mouth and applauded Donald. Despite his uneasiness, Donald laughed.
‘Okay, I’ll tell you on one condition.
Promise me you’ll have another go at giving up. You can get little patches you stick on your
arm. They’re supposed to be quite
effective.’
‘You’re so transparent. Playing for
time.’
‘All you have to do is promise, and I’ll tell you.’
Bamber shrugged. ‘I promise. Now tell me.’
Donald hesitated. He decided he would
tell his partner about going round to see Marjorie, telling him it was today
instead of yesterday. ‘I was at Ted’s
house. And before you say anything, he
wasn’t there. She’s thrown him out. I went there to plead his case. See if the bitch’d take him back.’
Bamber inhaled deeply on his cigarette and eyed Donald shrewdly. ‘How did you know she’d thrown him out?’
‘He phoned me at the shop. He was in a
terrible state. But she’s going to make
it up with him. And you know why? Because she believes me about the occasional
theatre visits.’
‘Huh! More fool her.’
‘It happens to be the truth. Ted and I
are just good friends. It’s all perfectly innocent. I promise you.’
‘Yes,’ muttered Bamber, ‘and Elton John’s not gay.’
‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
You can never raise your mind above the level of your navel. Ted and I,’ Donald stressed, ‘are
friends. Nothing more.’
Bamber stared at his partner and gave him a masturbatory gesture. Donald giggled suddenly.
‘Well, that sort of thing does help to seal a friendship.’
Bamber frowned. ‘I hope you’re joking.’
‘And another thing,’ said Donald, starting to enjoy himself, because he knew he
had the upper hand now. ‘When his baby’s
born, I’m going to be the godfather. A
very special uncle.’
Bamber looked pained. ‘Oh,
pleeease! I think I might puke.’
Donald laughed loudly. ‘We’re going to
be one big happy family.’
Angrily, Bamber dropped his cigarette
into his coffee mug, knowing it would infuriate Donald, and moved towards the
door.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Thought I’d take a walk on the common.’
Donald ground his teeth. ‘Going
cottaging, you mean.’
Bamber turned at the door, eyes glinting with minor triumph, knowing that the
position of power had shifted again.
‘It’s all innocent. Like you and
your theatre friend. You do believe me,
don’t you?’
Donald could feel the blood boiling in his face. ‘I forbid you to go on the common.’
Grinning, Bamber came back and stood cockily in front of Donald. He took out his mobile and offered it to his
partner.
‘Ring your friend, get him round here, and let’s all three of us have some
fun.’
Donald went to take the mobile, then hesitated.
‘I don’t think he’ll play ball.
After all, he was straight until recently.’
‘Was?’
Donald took the mobile and started to dial Ted’s number. ‘Okay.
But I don’t think he’ll like a heavy smoker any more than I do. Go and clean your teeth. And gargle with mouthwash. There’s a good boy.’
IN EPISODE NINETY
While Mary and Dave are away, Ronnie
sets a plan in motion.