Dave Whitby was bitterly
disappointed, having spent the last two days waiting for a reaction from his
neighbour across the street. He had left
the clapped out Nova right outside the bloke’s house on Wednesday afternoon; it
was now Friday evening and still the proverbial hadn’t hit the fan.
Then, as he was about to leave for his
Masonic do in Folkestone, the doorbell rang.
‘Bingo!’
he cried and, picking up his dinner jacket, he walked to the front door,
singing loudly: ‘It must be him, please make it him or I shall die.’
He
flung open the door. The neighbour stood
framed in the doorway, blocking out the fading light.
‘Is
that your heap of junk?’
Dave
took his time replying, enjoying the situation.
‘I’m
sorry?’
‘You
know damn well what I’m talking about.
That eyesore you’ve parked outside our house is yours presumably?
s Or does it belong to some other ignoramus?’
‘If
you are referring to Betty,’ Dave began, ‘you are talking about the vehicle I
have fallen for. It was love at first
sight, you see. She may not be the best looking car in the world, but Betty’s
got character – which is more than I can say for a lot of people not a million
miles from here. Betty’s poor old tired
body may be blemished...’
‘That
vehicle,’ interrupted the neighbour, jerking a thumb in the direction of the
Nova, ‘is committing an offence. And I’d
like you to move it.’
Dave
stared defiantly at the man. ‘Oh,
yes? What offence am I committing.
Go on: do tell.’
‘Well,
it’s hardly roadworthy, is it?
Consequently it means it’s parked illegally.’
Dave
shook his head.‘ You’re out of luck,
sunshine. That car is taxed for another
couple of months – which I intend renewing – and I’ve insured it.
Admittedly she failed her MOT - poor old cow! – but I only bought her
because I knew how attractive she’d look outside your gaff.’
There
was a wounded, incredulous expression surfacing on the man’s face. ‘You mean
you’ve gone to all this trouble and expense of buying an old banger just to
upset us?’
Dave
was lost for words suddenly. ‘Well...’
‘God!
You’re pathetic.’
The
neighbour turned and began to walk away.
Dave felt he was losing control of the situation.
‘You’re the one who’s pathetic, getting
territorial about parking. This is to
teach you a lesson.’
The
neighbour looked back and spoke calmly and confidently.
‘Didn’t you wonder why I didn’t storm round
here straight away when I discovered it was your car?
It’s because I wanted to speak to a solicitor
friend of mine first. And I’m afraid
you’re out of luck. A car deliberately
abandoned like that will be considered an obstruction.
So you’ll have to move it or pay a fine.
Too bad.
You’ve chucked your money down the drain.’
The
man gave Dave a smile before walking away.
‘We’ll
see about that,’ Dave called after him.
‘Wait until the press gets hold of this, we’ll see who looks pathetic
then.’
But
as the comedian stood watching his neighbour returning to his own house, he
suddenly felt very unsure of himself.
*
When Gary
tried to unlock the front door his key wouldn’t fit.
At first he couldn’t work out what the
problem was, then he noticed how shiny and new the lock was.
The penny dropped.
Cursing
quietly, he strode across the front lawn, hoping Maggie hadn’t done the back
door as well.
‘You
needn’t bother trying the back door.
That lock’s been changed as well.’
He
hadn’t heard the bedroom window opening.
He craned his neck back, shielding his eyes from the last rays of
sunlight, and stared up into Maggie’s resentful face.
‘What’s
going on, Maggs?’
‘That’s
what I’d like to know.’
‘Look,
I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t
want to ring you. It was too late to
disturb you.’
‘Oh!’
she yelled sarcastically. ‘You’re so
thoughtful, Gary.’
He
looked towards the street, hoping there were no neighbours passing on their way
home from work.’
‘What’s
wrong?’ she shouted.
‘Am I ruining your image?’
He
had always been proud of his manipulation skills and his ability to smooth-talk
his way out of any tricky situations;
but this time he realized he had gone too far.
‘Please,
Maggs,’ he pleaded,
‘let’s talk about this.’
‘No
way. You are not coming back into this
house. You can go back to whoever you
were with last night.’
‘It’s
not like you think it is.’
‘Don’t
treat me like an idiot.’
She
was about to close the window.
‘Maggie!
At least give me a chance to explain.’
‘I’ve
heard it all before. What’s the story
this time? How you had one too many
drinks and fell asleep on a mate’s sofa?’
He
gazed up at her, his mind a blank. She
had word for word guessed what his excuse would be.
And his silence proved she was right.
‘Don’t
tell me you were really going to use that excuse.’
‘Look,
Maggie, I swear to you...’
‘I’ve
had enough, Gary.
I’ll get your things together tomorrow and
you can pick them up. I’ll leave them
outside the back door. But you are not
coming back in this house.’
‘What
about the kids?’
‘They’re
at my mother’s. So leave them out of
it.’
Recovering
slightly, he made one last ditch attempt to rescue the situation.
‘Listen
Maggie, if I can prove to you where I was last night...if I can get my mate to
ring you...’
But
she had already slammed the window shut.
*
As Claire placed an enormous
mountain of a dinner in front of her husband, the phone rang.
‘Sod’s
law!’ she said. ‘If it’s for you, shall
I say you’re out?’
‘No,
I’ll take it.’
She
went out into the hall and took the call, returning to the breakfast room
moments later. ‘It’s for you,’ she
said. ‘Someone called Gary Branston.’
Mike
frowned. ‘I only cut his hair
yesterday. ’He got up from the
table. ‘I wonder what he wants?’
‘Try
not to be long. Your dinner’ll get
cold.’
Claire
tried to listen to the conversation but the washing machine, which was on its
final spin, was making too much of a racket.
When Mike returned he continued eating in silence before Claire asked:
‘What
did he want?’
‘Wanted
to know if I fancy a quick drink.’
‘You’re
not going, are you?’
Mike
stared at his food and muttered, ‘I
thought I might pop out for a couple.’
‘I
know you and your quick ones. You’ll
stagger back at half-eleven tonight, reeking of booze.’
IN EPISODE TEN ON TUESDAY
Is Ted coming out of the
closet?And will the alibi Mike provides
for Gary convince Maggie?
